A full moon in Gemini feels personal - my natal moon is in Gemini. Whether the motivation is external or internal, I like to take a moment. I’m not an astrologer, just a long time fan with a tendency to invent my own astro-recipes based on what I’ve picked up over the years. That, in case you missed it, was my disclaimer.
I do know that a full moon is the culmination of something that was started at the new moon in the same sign, six months earlier. In this case, around May 30th. I looked back at my journals and found that it was a pivotal time for me. I’d been cruising along in a bit of a groove with regard to my Dad’s care. He was stable, I wasn’t needed quite so much for hands-on support, and so I had a little more freedom. What I didn’t know was that he would soon come out of hospital having broken his hip, forever changed. And his carer was about to have a minor accident that meant she wasn’t physically able to do some of the necessary daily tasks, and I would be stepping in. I didn’t get to step back again before everything stopped in October.
But…
…what I’d been thinking about before it all went tits up, was devotion. And discipline. And taking myself seriously. Growing up and getting focussed. So hard to do with an overload of unruly attention running around in your head, but surely not impossible.
I’d been contemplating my Big Three. Less Pearsons, more values. The spiritual value that I carry has taken a long time to take form, and that’s fine. I know now that it centres on wanting to “make good soil”. After I’d envisioned this value I found someone else using that phrase - and beautifully - so was tempted to change it. Ultimately, I figure it’s a personal statement that I’m not using as any kind of ‘brand’ or title, and it’s exactly what I feel. Maybe there’s many of us and we’re a clan.
The crux of it is, I want to return this body to the planet that made it, with as few toxins as possible. I take medication for migraine; I live in 2022 when we all have microplastics in our blood; my environment is polluted; I currently eat processed foods… I’m not a perfect “clean” animal because those don’t exist anymore - not even newborns, we’ve seen to that - but I can still try to limit the damage. It’s not just physical. I want to take with me, positive energy. Most of all, memories of all the beauty I’ve witnessed. Memories of the natural world at its best, so that they go back into Mother Earth's memory banks in case there comes a point where she has no physical version to refer to. I mean, an acorn carries the best version of what an oak tree is, but the wonder of being human is that we can carry a memory of what sunlight looks like, dappled through its leaves. The joy of watching a squirrel run along its branches. The mythology around the mighty oaks of the British isles. As humans, we carry not the DNA, we carry the stories.
I knew that to achieve getting even close to this goal would take devotion. It would take discipline (which, to a mind that has never known it, feels like devotion’s sibling). It would take a gathering of focus and commitment that I’d never previously been able to muster. But I so wanted to. So much.
So, from that new moon, just before everything got thrown in a barrel and chucked over a cliff, to be lost - or so it felt - forever, to an almost full moon journal revisit that brought it all flowing back. I had all that on my mind and heart as I went off to the physio to see how they could help me fix the back pain I’ve been feeling for months. Maybe six months. Then I’d be ready.
The therapist did all the stuff that they do for assessment, then sat down, put his head in his hands and said, “I really hate having to tell people this…”
I have spinal (facet joint) arthritis in my lower back (and likely my neck, tbh). It can’t be fixed. It’s likely degenerative but totally unpredictable. It may get much worse but not hurt. It may not get much worse but become very painful. Either may happen slowly. Or quickly. Fortunately, my hips are in A1 condition and are keeping me flexible for now.
He was great. Interested, supportive, well-informed, happy to talk “off the record” about things I asked about that “the NHS doesn’t comment on”.
I have a plan - my own - of action that I’ll follow. It involves devotion, discipline and commitment.
Back in May I was already thinking, “Yeah but you never stick with anything.” I knew, as I said a few days ago, that this was likely to be another non-starter so probably not worth even trying. Well yesterday, just in time for the full moon that completes this cycle, I was handed the key. The key to finally, actually, start something and keep going because if I don’t, there will be nothing good happening.
So what sounds like bad news - and I’m not love&lighting this, it is bad news - is also a gift. The things I will do to prolong my spine’s health will benefit my whole body, mind and spirit. It’s a turning point for me and I’m going to take some time to sit with it, and gather my resources. Not too long because frankly I can’t sit with anything for very long anymore without it hurting! (Too soon?)
As usual, it takes some kind of crisis point for me to [be able to] take action and here we are.
I love my body and what it’s here to teach me. Now it’s time to take care of it, treasure it, put it first.
Feeling this with you - so much of it feels familiar. The sense of aging, beyond the visible - the interior 'sense' of it, which you capture here so beautifully. Of having to deliberately pay attention, devotedly, to parts of the body (and of life) that until now, took care of themselves. And making good soil (I do think Sophie Strand would encourage ALL of us to use the phrase) which I've been thinking about also, lately - as a way of thinking seven generations forward and also, a way of returning to living with land that is awake and aware of us... so much of this speaks to me that I could write a whole post of my own in response. But I won't. This was just to say, thank you for this compost and I'll be working 'beside' you on the spinal flexibility and also to wave hello.
Devotion, discipline, commitment - three magic words I've pondered on recently. Mostly from the perspective of fear. What holds us back from wholeheartedly committing to something. Devotion feels softer, more expansive, more doable. Yet, we need the balance of all three. ❤️