It’s a sunny, deeply frosty Monday and already this morning I’ve been out for a walk (and taken that photo because it was just so beautiful), done my exercises and stretches, and eaten what will no doubt be my healthiest meal of the day. Can you feel the smugness?
The thing is, I have to get out of the house early some mornings, in order to get the teen to the train station and today I used that momentum to power some exercise. It was pretty easy; I didn’t take my coat off, I added a hat, I set my timer and off I went. When I got home it was boots, hat and coat off and straight into some squats and lunges etc. Stretch, then the reward of tea and breakfast, and I’m done. All by 9.30.
As I said last time, I am once more A Person Who Exercises, and repeating that when I wobble on the edge of “Just some tea and toast because it’s freezing out” seems to work. The happiness at having got it done will last until tomorrow.
Talking of good habits, most days I’ll have a chat with Kristen and more often than not, because apparently that’s what women in their 50s do, at least one part of the conversation will be about our bodies. Recently we got on to the topic of ageing not being for sissies - it’s a regular refrain for us.
KP was pointing out that post-menopause is not (necessarily) the Wild and White-Haired Crone Giving No Fucks. It’s a very individual experience and while we can stand shoulder to shoulder with each other, often there’s big differences between us and most of those different things suck. It would be great not to give a fuck about it but the reality is you have to, and it takes up time and energy we’d much rather be spending elsewhere.
No one really wants to hear this - I certainly don’t - but it’s true. There’s probably not an inspiring best seller in it. It’s not a romantic image1 but maybe it could be some companionable comfort to another woman feeling her age (and some days a bit more). Maybe, as Kristen said, there should be more emphasis on the importance of strength and mobility post-menopause. Not just on the mat, but in life.
Ultimately, we can accept that these miraculous bodies, at this point, require attention and maintenance. Sometimes repair work. I don’t consider myself old by a long way yet, but I’ve been here a while and I’ve been busy. This body doesn’t just cruise on automatic anymore. The work I put in now will, if I’m lucky, pay off when I am old. I have to be prepared to play a long game instead of doing what makes me feel good short term. Despite there being no guarantees I’ll even get a long game.
But there are gifts in all this, here and now.
Back in our conversation, I said, “I feel as if this is the most physical time of my life so far. Even with my history.2” I do. I’m now constantly aware of my body even when bits aren’t hurting. As someone who has mostly lived just to the left of my head and up a bit, this is a whole new world. I thought I knew my body. I thought I was “physical”. Well I am now. What a gift to be here, now, awake, conscious, moving, alive.
This awareness brings presence; grounding; belonging. As it radiates out, it deepens my sense of place; already strong and now even more collaborative. I am here. I am in it. I am a living, breathing part of the landscape. My senses are all the way on. It even - dare I say it? - helps me focus.
As a result of my back issues, that focus is often on chronic pain. I’m looking for thought leaders, current research, and finding out what my options are. It’s fascinating. There’s so much to learn about our brains and pain that I feel I could do nothing else for a very long time but we both know I’d be over it and moving on in less than a month if I allowed that hyperfocus to kick in. So I’m also digging back into the “healing modalities” that I’ve used in the past, and looking at a couple of new ones.
The thing is, I’m not gullible anymore. I’m less trusting. I want actual results. I know this isn’t the endless positivity that someone decided we should aim for - and I really tried - but it’s true. In my travels though healing workshops and courses I’ve met some wonderful humans and some really crap ones. Some healers and some charlatans. They look pretty much the same on the outside.
I’m going to run some experiments for and on myself and report back. But really report. No bullshit. If the healing method I’ve espoused publicly for twenty plus years turns out to be absolutely useless when applied to anything more than a need to relax a bit, I’ll say as much. If plant medicine just gives me a bad stomach and nothing else, I’ll say as much. No more new clothes for the emperor.
So, clearly this is not science! This is one woman finding what works for her mind, body and spirit, for real. I’m going to give these posts the same name. They’ll be “[insert post series name] 1”, “[insert post series name] 2” and so on. That way if this is something you’d rather avoid in favour of some time spent sticking pins in your own eyeballs3, you’re all good. There will still be other writing.
Given the number of things I want to try out, and the fair amount of time I should allow them to do their thing without interference or overlap, I could be here for years. Maybe you’ll follow along for a while.
I’m all for inspiring best sellers and romantic images for when the tough stuff just gets too much and you need a damn break. They’re a great pick-me-up. I have a whole Pinterest board based on a wild and white-haired Crone and it’s awesome.
I was in ballet school from before I was three until I was 17, then a fitness instructor for a decade in my 30s.
This may be a peculiarly British idiom. If so, and you’re not a peculiar Brit, I’m sorry. I just mean “if you’d sooner do something really painful than read these posts…”.
So glad you mentioned the wild, white-haired, no-fuck-giving Crone. She's as dangerous as the other "wild woman" and not in the good way. Seriously, the internet needs to just. stop. it. now.
Anyway. Yes, to all this. Yes to the higher-maintenance body that, despite everything I've put it through, is still valiantly marching on and for that, I am SO very grateful. I feel like it deserves the extra maintenance, tiresome, though it may be at times. Okay, a lot. :D
Regardless, I want to be mobile for a very long time...it's worth the investment in the (hopefully) long game. xo
Can I say how much I love footnotes?
I’m here for the wonder and discovery of it all and I’m grateful to have someone in the same trench sharing how we move ahead xx